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We'd enjoy sharing our thoughts with you about therapy-related matters: relationships, families, stories, teens, parenthood, joy ...

Kimberly's Perspectives

Communicating and Connection - Helpful tips for communicating with others to form stronger connections.

Creating Connection with Teens - Ways to be intentional about staying connected with teens in our communication.

Moving through Change - Our attitudes can help us make the most of the changes and transitions in our lives.

Sally's Perspectives

Building Resiliency - What You Can Do to Inoculate Your Child or Teen from Depression & Anxiety.

What's Normal? - When to worry about your kid's worries.

Kurt's Perspectives

Naming Preferences - The power of naming what we want for our lives and relationships, and understanding why it matters to us.

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Communicating and Connection - by Kimberly Delaney

In today's world of computers, cell phones, text messaging, and email, it appears as if communication between people is easy and accessible. While the availability of different modes of communication have made people much more accessible to each other, unfortunately, it has also taken away from actual face to face conversations and interactions.

There is something that is much easier about writing down our thoughts in an email and pushing the send key, than there is to voicing them to a friend or partner in their presence. It is often the fear of the other person's response to what we need to say that often stands in the way of us speaking our thoughts, feelings, and needs to our significant others. Yet, this is exactly what is needed to promote a conversation that will address the issues at hand, and allow the body language to show that will help facilitate the conversation.

Much of communication is not the words that we say, but the way in which we say them. The tone and inflection of voice, the way in which we hold our bodies, and our facial expressions say so much more than the actual words that come out of our mouths. As the saying goes, "actions speak louder than words," and this includes having a face-to-face conversation with someone you care about. The next time you are upset, disappointed, frustrated, or feeling misunderstood, try giving yourself and your loved one the biggest gifts of all - your mind, body, and spirit in person!

Helpful ways to get started:

* Realize that your feelings are important, and if shared, will help others learn more about what you need and desire. This will help to promote growth in the relationship.

* Use "I feel... when you" versus "you always" or "you never" statements to express your thoughts and feelings. This avoids accusatory language and invites openness to discussion.

* We often have defenses up to protect ourselves, so try to express yourself with as much grace and openness as possible. Slow down and take the time to speak to others as you would like to be spoken to.

* If anger is in the way of effective expression, take some time to breathe, calm down, and think about what it is that you wish to accomplish in the conversation. You can always revisit an issue or conversation later - this is the beauty of being in relationship with others. Now may not be the right time, but later may be. Engaging in physical touch with your partner (holding hands, sitting next to each other) while conversing can help to promote closeness and a sense of unity through the discussion as well.

* Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Take a few moments to try on the other person's perspective, even if it is uncomfortable, in order to better understand his or her needs. While your own needs and desires may be different, it is important to respect the other person’s perspective.

It is important to note that closeness does not necessarily come from similarities, but that it evolves from acknowledging and learning from one another's differences as well. Attempt to learn from those close to you by being curious to your differences, and inviting in the possibility of working together in those differences.

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Creating Connection with Teens - by Kimberly Delaney

The developmental changes that occur in our children during adolescence and the teen years present unique elements to family communication and parenting. As a family therapist, mother, and stepmother, I am drawn to the complexity of this time and how we can be more intentional in our parenting to promote better connection and understanding.

The teen years present an interesting interplay between the need for young people to learn independence, and their need to stay safe and connected to family. The question becomes how can we help our adolescents and teenagers stay in touch with the values and commitments that are important to our families, while allowing them the space to learn responsibility and independence. This is a time for them to gain confidence in making decisions and taking care of their own needs in order to prepare them to manage themselves as young adults in their communities.

Here are a few thoughts on how to keep conversation and connection going during these years:

Listen more and speak less. Remain curious to your teen’s thoughts, ideas, hopes, and dreams – even if they differ from your own.

Highlight the positive. Teens are in the vulnerable process of establishing a sense of identity, and they need to be confirmed in their accomplishments to promote self-worth.

Be consistent! Name and model the household values/expectations, state the reasons for them, and the consequences if not followed.

Realize that your teens will make mistakes, and grow them into learning opportunities.

Teens are driven by emotion – come alongside them and acknowledge their feelings.

Be intentional in how you are speaking and responding to your teens. Learn what legacies you wish to pass to your children and what legacies you wish to leave behind.

Let them know they are loved. As much as they may seem to push you away, they still desire connection. Renegotiate the level of closeness and be open to new ways of doing things.

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Moving through Change - by Kimberly Delaney

Life presents us with many opportunities for experiencing change and transitions. Sometimes it appears that the only constant in life is change. How we approach these transitions and proceed through them can greatly influence the outcomes that we experience. Some areas in our lives that often present us with a need for change are relationship and family transitions, career choices, living arrangements, and the social/political/economic considerations of our time.

While some changes that we find ourselves working with may be of our own choosing, others often are not. There are times that we may find ourselves experiencing a need or a request for change that we are not ready or prepared to move into. While it may seem during these times that we are not in control of our life circumstances, it is important to remember that while we may not have control over what life presents us, we do have control over something very powerful – our attitude towards these situations. Inviting change in with an attitude of openness and curiosity can increase our opportunities for growth.

In times of change, it is helpful to reflect upon the values, commitments, and hopes that we have for our selves and our families. By staying connected to what is deeply important to us in life, we can gather the strength and courage needed to embrace change. Staying in tune with what we truly value and stand for in life allows us to align our thinking and actions with these values and commitments. There is an anonymous quote that states: There is no growth without change, no change without fear or loss, and no loss without pain. It is often through the hardest and most painful experiences in our lives that we experience the most growth.

Change often presents the unknown, and the unknown often brings with it a sense of fear. It is important in times of change to connect with community and support systems that can help us move wisely during these times. We can reap great benefits and feelings of security by seeking support and guidance from our community resources. By tapping into our community, we can find legal/financial counsel, individual/family therapy, spiritual guidance, and group sharing. We form our identity through our relationships with others, and it is during times of change that we need to stay in relationship with those who are able to understand and support us.

Self-care is another resource for us during times of change. It is important to notice how we are handling the stress and excitement that comes with transitions. By taking care of our physical and emotional health, we are better able to engage the extra energy that moving through change may take. Life changes can bring new awareness and developments in our lives. By keeping an open and positive attitude, noticing what choices we do have in our lives, utilizing our resources, and taking care of our health, we can move forward in the best way.

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Building Resiliency - What You Can Do to Inoculate Your Child or Teen from Depression & Anxiety - by Sally McIntosh Stoehr

• Let your child fail and then help them through it. Sometimes parents protect their children from failures to keep them from feeling bad. Feeling bad and getting through it builds self esteem and resiliency.

• Help your child listen to their inner dialogue – are they telling themselves negative things? Help them say think about it this way: “When problems happen we talk to ourselves about it. Sometimes these thoughts are helpful and sometimes they make us feel worse. What are you thinking?”

• Help them replace negative dialogue (like “why are they picking on me?”) with positive dialogue (“they’re not nice” or “they must be having a bad day.”)

• Help them connect their feelings with their thoughts – “I’m mad because I think Tim doesn’t like me.”

• Help them separate their feelings from their thoughts – “Tim was a jerk. I feel mad.” They can learn to understand that how they are feeling is not necessarily the “truth.”

• Help them notice how they explain events. Help them focus on temporary or transient causes, versus permanent or personal causes. If they failed a test, do they say “I failed because I didn’t study hard enough or this subject is challenging for me”(temporary, transient) or do they say “I failed because I’m stupid and I can’t do this” (permanent, personal).

• Lead by example: Notice how you explain things when adversity hits. Listen to your own self talk. Notice whether you explain things in a permanent, personal or temporary, transient manner.

• Share your own challenges about this out loud with your child. If you are angry because someone cut you off in traffic, you might say, “I feel irritated with that driver because I don’t like that he cut me off. But I guess I’m really worried about us being safe.”

• Utilize the “pie technique.” Help your child “slice up the pie” of responsibility when something bad happens. Ask them to think about all the people who are responsible and have them chose the “percentage” of responsibility for each person. This is particularly helpful when a child sees things in extremes.Help your child generate alternative explanations or solutions to a problem. Do this by considering all options as if they are viable; then help your child think through which solutions might work best. Let them chose the solution they think is best.

(Copyright, Sally McIntosh Stoehr, 2008)

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What's Normal? - by Sally McIntosh Stoehr

All children and teens have worries, fears and sadness at some time in their lives. Sometimes these are specific (i.e. fear of the dark, spiders, taking tests or sadness when a favorite pet dies or not making a team) and sometime they are more general. For most of us these things pass or diminish as we grow older without significantly impacting our ability to function in our daily lives.

Here’s when your child or teen’s sadness or fears are probably normal:

• Sad feelings or fears are specific and tied to an event (even if you don’t think the event is a big deal).
• Sometimes in children and teens sadness or fears can show up as irritability, bossiness, defiance or outright anger.
• Sadness or feelings of anxiety last less than two weeks.
• Your child or teen can talk about the causes of their sadness or fear.
• Sadness or fear doesn’t keep your child or teen from doing the things they enjoy and participating in regular activities.

When to worry?

Sometimes sadness or fears do not go away or grow to other areas. For example a fear of spiders turns into fear of going outside, fear of the dark and fear of being alone. Feeling sad about the death of a favorite pet lingers or spreads until your child loses enthusiasm for everything.

If your child has more than a few of these symptoms, they may be struggling with depression or anxiety:

• Sadness or fear that persists or is pervasive or spread to multiple areas.
• Sadness or fear lasts more than two weeks.
• Frequent irritability or anger outbursts, especially if these are new for your child or teen.
• Withdrawal from family or friends.
• Not wanting to do most of the activities they once enjoyed (remember kids are constantly changing interests, so it is important to take this into consideration with other symptoms).
• Your child or teen refuses to engage in activities necessary for life, such as going to school or leaving home. Note: your child may agree to do these things only under certain circumstances, such as you drive him or her in your car, etc.
• Changes in eating or sleeping habits.
• Increase in nightmares or night terrors.
• Significant weight loss or gain.
• Lots of physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches) without explanation.
• Feeling tired or low energy all the time.
• Aggression towards self (hitting, scratching) or others.
• Trouble concentrating, staying on task, or making choices.
• Feeling shaky, sweaty, not able to breath, tense or heart palpitations.
• Expressions of worthlessness or guilt (“I’m bad, stupid, worthless”).
• Inability to stop thinking about something.
• Repetitive behaviors such as hand washing, checking locks or rituals such as touching or arranging things in a certain order.
• Becoming hyper aware of surroundings or very easily startled.
• A high level of perfectionism – repeating activities until they are just right.
• Refusal to try new activities.
• Thoughts or talk about death, dying or suicide (even if said in jest).

A special note about Suicide:

Kids who talk about death or suicide may be exploring the idea, or looking for your reaction, or unconsciously asking for help so it is important to take any talk about death or suicide seriously. Here’s what to look for:

• Threats of suicide – direct or indirect.
• Hints such as “I won’t be around for them to tease much longer.”
• Talk about hopelessness – “it doesn’t matter; it won’t ever change.”
• Putting affairs in order – giving or throwing away favorite items.
• Sudden cheerfulness after a period of depression.
• Talking about seeing things (hallucinations) or bizarre thoughts.

If you are worried that your child is thinking about death or suicide, contact a mental health professional, his or her primary care doctor, or the Crisis Clinic (800-843-4793) as soon as possible!

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