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Communicating and Connection
- by Kimberly Delaney
In today's world of computers, cell phones, text messaging, and email,
it appears as if communication between people is easy and accessible.
While the availability of different modes of communication have made
people much more accessible to each other, unfortunately, it has also
taken away from actual face to face conversations and interactions.
There is something that is much easier about writing down our thoughts
in an email and pushing the send key, than there is to voicing them to a
friend or partner in their presence. It is often the fear of the other
person's response to what we need to say that often stands in the way of
us speaking our thoughts, feelings, and needs to our significant others.
Yet, this is exactly what is needed to promote a conversation that will
address the issues at hand, and allow the body language to show that
will help facilitate the conversation.
Much of communication is not the words that we say, but the way in which
we say them. The tone and inflection of voice, the way in which we hold
our bodies, and our facial expressions say so much more than the actual
words that come out of our mouths. As the saying goes, "actions speak
louder than words," and this includes having a face-to-face conversation
with someone you care about. The next time you are upset, disappointed,
frustrated, or feeling misunderstood, try giving yourself and your loved
one the biggest gifts of all - your mind, body, and spirit in person!
Helpful ways to get started:
* Realize that your feelings are important, and if shared, will help
others learn more about what you need and desire. This will help to
promote growth in the relationship.
* Use "I feel... when you" versus "you always" or "you never" statements
to express your thoughts and feelings. This avoids accusatory language
and invites openness to discussion.
* We often have defenses up to protect ourselves, so try to express
yourself with as much grace and openness as possible. Slow down and take
the time to speak to others as you would like to be spoken to.
* If anger is in the way of effective expression, take some time to
breathe, calm down, and think about what it is that you wish to
accomplish in the conversation. You can always revisit an issue or
conversation later - this is the beauty of being in relationship with
others. Now may not be the right time, but later may be. Engaging in
physical touch with your partner (holding hands, sitting next to each
other) while conversing can help to promote closeness and a sense of
unity through the discussion as well.
* Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Take a few moments to try on
the other person's perspective, even if it is uncomfortable, in order to
better understand his or her needs. While your own needs and desires may
be different, it is important to respect the other person’s perspective.
It is important to note that closeness does not necessarily come from
similarities, but that it evolves from acknowledging and learning from
one another's differences as well. Attempt to learn from those close to
you by being curious to your differences, and inviting in the
possibility of working together in those differences.
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Creating Connection with Teens
- by Kimberly Delaney
The developmental changes that
occur in our children during adolescence and the teen years present
unique elements to family communication and parenting. As a family
therapist, mother, and stepmother, I am drawn to the complexity of this
time and how we can be more intentional in our parenting to promote
better connection and understanding.
The teen years present an interesting interplay between the need for
young people to learn independence, and their need to stay safe and
connected to family. The question becomes how can we help our
adolescents and teenagers stay in touch with the values and commitments
that are important to our families, while allowing them the space to
learn responsibility and independence. This is a time for them to gain
confidence in making decisions and taking care of their own needs in
order to prepare them to manage themselves as young adults in their
communities.
Here are a few thoughts on how to keep conversation and connection going
during these years:
Listen more and speak less. Remain curious to your teen’s thoughts,
ideas, hopes, and dreams – even if they differ from your own.
Highlight the positive. Teens are in the vulnerable process of
establishing a sense of identity, and they need to be confirmed in their
accomplishments to promote self-worth.
Be consistent! Name and model the household values/expectations, state
the reasons for them, and the consequences if not followed.
Realize that your teens will make mistakes, and grow them into learning
opportunities.
Teens are driven by emotion – come alongside them and acknowledge their
feelings.
Be intentional in how you are speaking and responding to your teens.
Learn what legacies you wish to pass to your children and what legacies
you wish to leave behind.
Let them know they are loved. As much as they may seem to push you away,
they still desire connection. Renegotiate the level of closeness and be
open to new ways of doing things.
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